My son’s death is not your missionary tool

I have gone back and forth about whether or not to write about this, but it has bothered me since my son’s memorial. It has stewed in my brain. I don’t want to offend anyone but I write this in hopes that maybe people know what NOT to do in this situation. I know that I have spoken before about my personal beliefs about religion. My being unsure about the existence of an afterlife. Of the existence of things like spirits.

I know I’ve mentioned that I used to be a part of organized religion, and I used to believe in that and a god. So did my son. Bryce was born into the LDS church, aka Mormons. He went through the usual rites of Mormon children growing up in the church. Infant blessing, baptism at age 8, and the various rites as he turned 12 and progressed through his teen years.

By the time he moved with me full-time a couple of years before the accident, he had started questioning his faith. We’d discussed it. I lended myself as more of an ear rather than a voice because MY transformation away from religion couldn’t influence him. I had told him that I would answer direct questions only and would otherwise only listen as he spoke. And that’s how we left it.

By his accident, he still partly believed but not entirely. He had a lot of questions that he hadn’t fully answered. He still believed in god as far as I know, but I don’t know where he stood regarding that particular denomination and its specific beliefs. I never asked because I stayed true to my word and never told him what my research found.

Now to my point of this post.

When we were planning Bryce’s memorial, his dad and Mom pt 2 were very respectful of the fact that I do not share their beliefs. They asked if I was okay with incorporating a small amount of religious elements into the memorial. Which I was. We chose to have it at a funeral home rather than an LDS chapel to respect the combination of beliefs. We even agreed to let a member of the church lead the memorial because he’d known all of us for many years. He had known Bryce since he was a toddler. It was only appropriate for him to lead it for us.

The memorial went well. I wasn’t bothered by the prayers. I wasn’t bothered by his other 2 parents adding religious statements in their speeches. I wasn’t bothered by Tom’s opening speech and its inclusion of religious elements.

But the end…

The end of the memorial.

It took everything in me to stay seated.

To not stand up and say, “THAT IS ENOUGH. YOU ARE FINISHED. THANK YOU. BUT THAT IS ENOUGH.”

It started out okay. No issues. Even stating, “We believe we will see Bryce again…” was okay. Many religions have that belief. Even many people who don’t share traditional religious beliefs share that belief.

But it went too far for me. There was mention of the temples. There was even a statement about flagging down or calling the fucking missionaries if anyone was curious about what they believed.

And this is where I had to fight to stay seated. It was lucky for everyone there that I had my crying 12-year-old on one side of me and my son’s crying love of his life on the other.

My son’s death is not your fucking missionary experience.

My son’s death is not your opportunity to tell people how to find out more about your church.

This is an essential lesson for anyone who loves, cares for, or even simply associates with someone dealing with grief and loss.

Even if I shared their belief, I would have been highly offended.

As a mother grieving her child.

Because my son’s death is not a missionary opportunity to encourage people to reach out to Mormon missionaries.

My son’s death is not a missionary opportunity to tell people about the “blessing” of temples.

My son’s death is not a missionary opportunity to tell people about how *YOU* believe he’s in a better place.

So please remember this…if you encounter someone who is grieving…

Belief in a god is amazing…for YOU.

Belief in an afterlife is amazing…for YOU.

Belief in a religion is amazing…for YOU.

You are not helping their grief process if you use the death of their loved one in an attempt to benefit your religious organization. If they share your religious beliefs, it is okay to share words of comfort with religious undertones. But in my personal opinion, even when they DO share your beliefs, it is NEVER okay to use that death as a missionary tool.

My son was fucking 19 years old.

NINETEEN.

And your words at the end of his memorial did nothing but add even more poison to my feelings about your church and the harm that it does to its members.