4 weeks

How is that possible? I’m not sure I understand.

I am not okay. Still.

I can admit it. I know I am not. I know that those who know me well see it. Your dad saw me in a zoom meeting the other day and we were texting later that night.

“You looked tired today. Are you sleeping yet?”

I hate admitting that he knows me that well. But I’ve known him for over half of my life and even though we spent a good number of years not getting along after the divorce, we still know each other very well. I was younger than you when we met.

He’s not wrong, though.

I am not sleeping well. I am tired. But I am not sleeping well. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. I don’t feel rested. I feel like I am just floating along my days on autopilot. Ultimate brain fog.

My appetite isn’t there either. Sometimes I think I am hungry so I eat a little but then it doesn’t sit well. Other times I am able to get a little to sit okay.

Worst fucking diet plan ever. Damn you, kid.

Do you know how much we all miss you? Even just at our house? Carter is struggling too. He isn’t sleeping well but you know him. He isn’t talking about it much. I had to pull it out of him after one of his teachers mentioned him falling asleep in class. He is struggling a bit in class too. He always struggles a bit in math but its even worse now. He loves you so much. Even though he always hides in his room. He changed his LED lights to purple for you too. And he stole your joker car and it’s up on his shelf. He even got his new rubber bands on his braces changed to purple this time.

Do you remember how I’d always get annoyed at you slamming the damn door when you came in from the garage? Or leaving concrete in the washer after washing your work clothes? Leaving food trash in your room?

Me too.

I wouldn’t complain at all if you were back here doing all of that again.

As long as you were back. Being silly. Giving me big bear hugs while pretending to be annoyed but yet smiling and laughing that amazing laugh. Smiling with those beautiful dimples. I still don’t know where you got those. I have small dimples, I guess, but nothing like yours.

I wish you were back spending time with your brother. Calling him bud.

I know your other siblings miss you too. They’re struggling too. I’ve talked to some of them. They’re having the same issues. Sleeping. Appetite. School.

Tina is too. She told me.

And your dad. I know we have been divorced for longer than we were together but we made you together. And now we have lost you. You’d probably laugh at how well the 3 of us are all getting along now but it’s because we all love you so damn much.

Your Aurora…she is trying. She has been here with me a lot. I don’t know if that is better for her or if it makes it worse. I know she said it helps her sleep to be here in your room. I gave her your garage opener. I like having her around and she can be here as much as she wants. She’s trying to stay on top of making me eat. You know how well she cooks. Aren’t you jealous? We talk about you a lot. And we both cry. We have cried together but I know we have also cried separately. I want her to be happy. She has been spending time with your friends. Her friends now too. That makes me happy. She needed more friends.

Even your friends are struggling. Did you ever realize that you had this much of an impact? Kamryn started crying the other day. Keston has a picture of you in his room. Jeremy is struggling with the rest of us. But even when he is struggling, he is checking on us. Checking on your brother. Checking on me. You found a great friend.

Do you know how loved you are?

Did you ever know that?

I know I told you often but did it really and truly sink in?

I miss you so much.

I love you.