I miss you

I haven’t written in a long time. Not because you haven’t been on my mind. Quite the opposite really. 

It’s been nonstop. 

So many things you’re missing. I just had my graduation and I hate that you weren’t there.

Carter said it too. There was an empty seat next to him. He said that it made him think about how you should be in that seat. 

You and your brother have been my motivation for finishing this program. I truly was shocked to find out that you were telling everyone that I was back in school. As a parent of an adult child, I guess you just don’t think about your kids being proud of you. You don’t think about them bragging to everyone about you. I didn’t know until you were gone. Maybe you were as proud of me as I was of you? 

I could have taken a semester off after losing you. No one would have blamed me. But my mind was picturing you saying “Why the fuck would you do that?” 

So instead, you have been my motivation. You and Carter both. Better myself so I can be better for the both of you. Give you better than I had. That is all I have ever wanted for you two. 

I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you. 

As a kid. 

And that night. 

It’s all I ever wanted. 

It was my job and I failed. 

But I promise that I will do everything I can to protect your baby brother. He misses you so much. 

We both do. 

I have a few weeks left until I am officially done with school. 

I promise I will keep making you proud.