730 days

It has been over 730 days since I have seen you.

Sometimes, I wonder why I still write so openly about my grief and my pain. Or share some of the photos that I have shared…personal…raw…

Whether it is on here…or my social media…

But just like in the beginning, sharing my words in writing helps me process what is happening in my mind. I still hate writing in a general sense, but my mind still has a hard time processing everything that has happened since I last saw you. And just simply the fact that you’re gone at all. I have had more than one person say that the words I have shared have helped them as well. So if it helps me and can also help even one other person, being raw and open about the pain of grief is worth it to me.

You have missed so much since you have been gone. Obviously, there is so much of your own life that you have missed. You’d be 21 now…almost 22. That is quite a difference in experience from 19. But you have missed so much in our lives too. Your niece has grown so much. And she is so much like your sister that it is hilarious if I am being honest. Your little sister graduated and is in college. Your other adult siblings are kicking ass at adulting. Your little brothers are growing like damn weeds. Carter has outgrown me and was just excited about that milestone as you were. I have kept pushing my way through school. You were proud that I went back to school and I couldn’t let my pain stop me. I kept going to make you proud. I only have 6 months left. I hope you’d be proud of me.

We went to your site yesterday. Left you flowers. Thought about you. Cried for you. Hugged each other.

A couple of us went back again last night. Shae and I waited until the exact time you were taken from us.

8:47pm

We each lit a candle for you and just sat. We cried for you. I hope you were able to feel us there with you.

I love you.