I am so tired

I don’t even know if anyone reads these any longer but I started it mostly for me anyway. I needed to get the thoughts out of my fucked up head somehow and this seemed like a good way to do it. Putting it into writing has helped me over the last year…despite my usually hating to write.

I still feel so damn fucked up. I have done therapy. I have read. I have done research. I have talked to loved ones. I have talked to his friends. I know that grief isn’t a linear process and you will cycle back and forth in various ways. Sometimes quickly. Sometimes slowly. You can know this and yet STILL feel whiplash as you flip from one to the other.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Most recently, I have noticed that I have felt numb and broken again most often. It has been almost nonstop lately. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because of his birthday the other day and all of the feelings and emotions that we stirred up from that day. Thinking about the baby that I birthed 21 years ago. The 9 months that I carried him before that. The 19.5 years that I loved him while he was here with me. And the 13.5 months that I have loved him since he has been gone.

Sometimes it still seems like this isn’t real life. Because this happens to other people. Not to me. Not to us. Not to HIM. I don’t want this to be real life. This long after it happened and I still wish I could turn back time. Why can’t I turn back time?

I am so tired. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being broken. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of feeling like a mess. I am tired of missing him. At the same time, I don’t want to stop missing him either. I know I never will. Until I take my final breath.