I am so fucking angry

TW: Talk of mental health issues and suicide

I think people underestimate the grief that siblings feel after loss. Or the added stress on parents watching their surviving child(ren) deal with it.

I had a child who already struggled with anxiety and mild depression and after losing his big brother, I have watched him progress this year into severe generalized anxiety and persistent major depressive disorder. We have increased therapy. Tried different meds.

And still, he became so deeply depressed and apathetic. He no longer enjoyed the things he did before. He’s gained a lot of weight. He never wants to leave his room.

Losing his dad a month and a half ago made it even worse and concerns for his safety developed.

Now he’s fighting against his therapy. We’re struggling to find medication combinations that work for him.

I had to take a leave of absence from work to help him.

One second he’s laying on my shoulder and saying he loves me. The next, he’s saying that he hates me and only goes to our friend’s house to play to get away from me.

Tonight, he hates me.

When asked if he means it or if he’s just upset, he said he actually means it.

We are one month away from the one year anniversary of Bryce’s accident.

I am struggling. He is struggling. I have never hid my grief from him because I wanted him to know that it was normal. That it was okay to cry and I miss him too. But now I almost feel like I have to hide my grief as this anniversary approaches because I can’t make things worse for him. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. My stomach is constantly in knots. Nauseated. I’m sleeping like shit.

Because I don’t know if we will wake up to a day where he loves me.

Or if we will wake up to a day where he hates me and the world is on fire.

And I don’t know how close we are to him being across that line back to unsafe again.

You know how they say that grief isn’t linear? I’ve talked about it too.

I’m back to angry.

I am so fucking angry that that man made that left turn without yielding and took my son from me.

I am so fucking angry that my other son’s father took his own life and left his children here to struggle.

I am so fucking angry that I am living without my son.

And I am SO FUCKING ANGRY that I feel like I am watching my surviving son slip away from me.

Christmas 2021…the last Christmas we’d have together.