Am I the only one dealing with grief who sometimes stares into space and forgets? Not intentionally. But still.
Sometimes I’ll find myself zoning out and it seems like my brain pushes the last horrible 6 months away.
I’ll be staring blankly at the red light waiting for it to turn green. Then the light turns and I’m snapped back to reality and along with “time to hit the gas”, it’s “Oh yeah, your son is gone”.
I’ll be zoning out on trash tv, barely even paying attention to it, and my brain forgets. But then my attention shifts back to the present. “Oh yeah. Your son is gone.”
My alarm goes off in the morning and for a few blissful seconds, I forget. The world is right. I’m expecting to hear the garage open because he always comes home from work around the same time I’m waking up or shortly after. But then my mind clears the wake-up fog and then it’s “Oh yeah. Your son is gone.”
I’ve noticed that I almost always speak of him in the past tense now. I hate it. When I first started this blog, I said that I didn’t know how to refer to my baby in the past tense. But it seems that your mind will eventually do it automatically as time passes. I do sometimes catch myself saying “Bryce is…” or “Bryce does…” instead of “was” or “did”. Sometimes I correct it. Sometimes I don’t. I guess it just depends on who I’m talking to when it happens.
As much as I wish he were still here or maybe even that I could permanently forget what happened, that I could think he was still here, that I didn’t have this pain, this ptsd…it’s very unsettling when my mind shifts from the moments of “forgetting” and snaps back to the present. It’s almost *more* hurtful because there’s that brief moment when the world is happy again. Where my life is complete. Where my heart is full. Then it snaps back to a reality where my heart will never be full again. Where it will never be healed. Where the world will never be right.
A world without Bryce is not a truly happy world. *MY* world without Bryce is not a truly happy world.
Grief is a B!tch 