Rory came over today.
She is moving and I am so fucking happy and excited for her. She isn’t going far. Only about an hour and a half. But still. She is one of my kids now and she almost married my son so it is bittersweet.
I took the day off from school stuff today to do some of my own packing since we’re moving in a month. Then she came over this evening because there were some things here that she wanted. Some of it was her stuff that she’d left at various times. Some of it was Bryce’s but is stuff I was letting her have because it was from their time together.
Before starting to go through things, she had to raid my fridge and freezer because she was hungry and of course I’m gonna feed one of my kids. “I’m going to miss being able to raid both of my moms’ fridges”.
After she ate and we chatted, we went into his room. I don’t go in there often. Sometimes I am okay with it. Sometimes it is really hard. I can look at the bed and still see him lying there curled up on his side. I can still see him lying there the month before his accident when he was incredibly sick with the flu and looked so pitiful. I can still see him lying there sleeping cuddled with Rory’s Squishmellows. I can see him lying there cuddled with the dog. It is empty now. No life. Just dust on his furniture.
It hurts my heart.
So I only go in sometimes. And usually only if I need something, need to put something in there, or need to try to force my sense of smell to find even the tiniest bit of his scent.
But tonight, Rory and I went in there. Together, we went through the boxes that his lazy butt never unpacked when we moved in here a few months before he was taken, we went through his “hoarder pile” in the corner of the room, the files that we were pretty sure were all trash but should be looked at anyway, and the drawers in his bedside table. Having her with me made it easier. We laughed at some of the stuff we found…because the kid was a damn packrat. Like why did he feel the need to keep the massive box for the Beats headphones that he no longer owned because they got lost when his bag went flying off of him while riding home from the gym? Again…packrat. 6’4″ packrat. We made morbid jokes when we found the manual for his helmet (“Well that didn’t fucking help much, did it?”) because that’s who we are and how we cope. While going through the incredible randomness he had tucked away in his drawers, she found a really small box inside of another box. Inside of the box was a couple of things but the most meaningful was the promise ring that he’d given to her while they were together. When they’d had their short breakup, she gave it back to him. They later got back together but he hadn’t yet given it back to her before he’d had his accident. We never found it easily and never thought to look inside of this hella random location inside of his drawer for a tiny box. She’d assumed he’d gotten rid of it because he was upset about the breakup. He didn’t. He kept it. I think he had hope that he’d get his shit together for her. And he did. It makes me so happy that he did. He was finally happy again. Happy with her. And now she has her ring back. 6 months after we lost him, we randomly find the ring and it is back on her finger where it belongs.
I found another hat. Yeah. I know. Not much of a segue. I found a Tilly’s bag under his shoe rack. I moved it so I could clean the rack to let her have it and then I look inside the bag. There was a hat. Tags still on it. Receipt in the bag.
11/23/22
One month. To the day. One month to the day before his last day. He was shopping. Buying clothes. A new hat. No worries.
It makes me think about how I still have that fucking ham in my freezer. I can’t throw it away. We were texting about it 6 hours before he took his last breath. He got a free Honeybaked Ham at work and was excited about it. My sister packed it up for me and put it in the freezer so it wouldn’t go to waste. I wasn’t able to eat it. But I also can’t throw it away. It’s not good now. But it was his. He got it that day. His last day. None of us knew it was his last day. I didn’t know it was his last day when he was texting me that afternoon about putting it in the fridge.
But back to the room. We were moving stuff around at the foot of the bed because that was a random collection spot for some reason. There was a shirt. I hadn’t seen it. Still dirty. Still covered in concrete. Still smelled like him…just barely. 6 months of lying on his bedroom floor had let it air out enough that it’s not very strong. But it is strong enough that the last bit of strength that I had while going through the room just faded away. Tears started. That’s okay though. She cried at the ring. I cried at the shirt. But we went through things together.
I also noticed the dog go from his normal self to a little more withdrawn, I suppose. He even left the room and went to lie down without us, which is unusual. We looked over and he just looked so sad. Maybe all of the smells in Bryce’s room were just too much for him? I know he really was withdrawn like I was for the first little while after the accident. He was smelling everything with his scent and was looking around for him. So maybe being in the room had him feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. I know I was. After the shirt, I had to leave the room. Light off. Door closed. Overstimulated, done for the day, showered, in bed. Done.
6 months later and it’s not necessarily easier. Maybe it’s just that I have adjusted more? I have learned to function through the pain. That makes the most sense to me. I will never be used to life without my baby boy. I think it is more that it is an unusual form of adaptation.
And as much as I will miss my girlie with this move, I am glad I will still get to see her often when she comes down to visit. She will always be family to me. She will always be one of my kids. I am so proud of her for making this move and doing something good for her. Stepping out of her comfort zone. I know this will be amazing for her, even if it is also a little hard sometimes. I love her and I love seeing her grow.
Grief is a B!tch 