Time is just…weird.

This past Tuesday was 5 months. So that means today is 5 months and 2 days. And I don’t get it.

How can time move so quickly but yet slowly at the same time? How can it already be 5 months since I saw his smiling face but yet also feels like it was just yesterday? That juxtaposition is so confusing. I feel like it has been forever, but also like it was just last night that he last parked his bike in our garage?

I don’t like the discomfort of that feeling. I’m surviving. But I hate it.

I fucking hate it. I hate that. And I hate this.

And I hate that this memorial exists. Not the actual existence…but that it has a REASON for existence. It exists because my son no longer does.

Yesterday, the kids lost another one of their friends while riding. I don’t know the details. Only where he was riding when he went down. That’s four. All from the same group of friends.

Tucker…July 2022.

Carson…September 2022.

Bryce…December 2022.

Gil…May 2023.

Less than 1 fucking year and 4 friends are all gone.

It wasn’t until tonight, sitting out at Bryce’s memorial with Rory because today was her and Bryce’s 2-year anniversary, that it hit me how triggered I was by Gil’s accident last night. I didn’t realize it last night. I didn’t realize it earlier today. But tonight, it hit me. The last accident was my son. The last time the riders gathered because someone was down and lost was my son. They were gathered on the corner. They were there before I was there. Somber. Crying. Angry. Hurting. Thinking about them losing Gil made me think about Bryce. How I felt. It hit me how Gil’s family is feeling right now because I know exactly how they’re fucking feeling. I don’t know his family situation. Does he have a mom in his life? Or I guess, did he have a mom? I know her pain. I know the pain. Numbness. Despair. The heaviness on her chest. Like she can’t breathe. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t handle being around people. No energy to even shower. And now she has to think about planning a funeral for her son, who died doing what he loved. I know that she is about to learn about everything you must do after someone passes that you may never have thought about, like handling their finances, insurance claims, social security, death certificates, and notification to credit bureaus.

She is now starting the same path I started 5 months ago this past Tuesday. Does he have siblings? I know how they feel. I’ve seen how all of Bryce’s siblings are suffering. A dad? I’ve seen how this has broken Bryce’s dad. My ex. Who was his best friend? I know how this affects a best friend. Did he have a girlfriend? I know how it affects them too.

Bryce, I love you.