Goodbyes are difficult. Not being able to say goodbye is worse.

I should be doing one of multiple things right now, and sleeping would be at the top of the list. But I also already had my laptop on my lap because I had been slowly working on homework.

But while doing things like homework, I usually need tv or something to give me background noise or to occasionally divert my attention to help keep my brain from getting overwhelmed with school.

Tonight, I was watching a show where a woman came home and found her husband dead in their living room. During the course of the episode, they show her trying to do CPR on him while speaking with 911. Following the ambulance to the hospital in a state of shock. Becoming involved in some drama at the hospital (naturally since it’s tv).

But the main point is that she meets a family whose son is dying in the ICU and struggling to say goodbye. Throughout the episode, she is still in shock, but the narrative of the show shows the audience that she is struggling with the fact that she did not get to say goodbye. She is watching this family take advantage of the opportunity to spend time with their loved one and say their goodbyes, and it makes her grief come hard and fast. Like a fucking freight train slamming her head on. And that is when she breaks down.

And that is when I started crying.

Because I am her.

I did not get to say goodbye to my boy. I was able to say goodbye to his body in a casket. I was able to talk to him. Tell him that I am sorry that I couldn’t protect him. Tell him how much I loved him.

But I did not get to say goodbye to him while his heart was still beating. While his skin was warm, while his cheeks were pink, and while his skin was soft.

I did not get to say goodbye. I had a general conversation in a text 6 hours before it happened. We had our standard “Be safe tonight. Love you.” and “Love you too” that we always exchanged whenever he left the house, whether in his car or on his bike.

If something horrible happens in your life or to someone you love and you know they will not be able to survive this life, do not pass up the opportunity to say goodbye. Do not be afraid. Yes, it will hurt like a bitch. It will hurt like a motherfucker.

But despite the misery of the situation, getting the opportunity to say goodbye is a gift. Not everyone gets it.