I didn’t think my head would be this fucked up this quickly since I last wrote and got some thoughts out. But simple videos tonight that I loved seeing set me off…because everything does. And maybe I was already on the verge because I am on day 3 of a headache and have noticed that I have been doing a lot of clenching of my jaw. So apparently I was already feeling extra stress and tension.
I love seeing videos and photos of him, even when they make me cry like tonight. I absolutely want every single one that anyone has. But tonight, I first started crying over a video of him petting the cat with a towel on his head. He looked like a goof with the towel on his head. Maybe it was because that same cat was lying next to me purring loudly as I watched it. Then I cried at a video Rory took of him doing very early practice with his wheelies. Then even harder at a video of him just riding.
I am so tired. So tired of feeling this way. So tired of being upset. So tired of missing my baby. Tired of crying. Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling like a burden. Tired of feeling like I am doing more harm than good to some around me. When you mix my work and school schedules with my current mental and exhausted state and all of my obligations on my days off, it doesn’t leave me with much time and I feel like I am being cruel to anyone wanting to spend time with me. Some days I have zero energy to even hold a conversation. Other days I do. Some days I have energy to be social. Other days, I have zero energy or tolerance for it.
But I can’t help it. It’s been almost 4 months and I still feel like I am a hot fucking mess. I feel lost. I feel like I have little energy most days. I am tired even when I sleep well. I am angry at the world for taking my son from me. I am angry at the county for taking so long to decide what the fuck they’re doing about what happened.
Anytime I feel like I am starting to do better…to feel better…I feel like I fall backward again.
Grief is a B!tch 