I guess life has to go on

I was looking in my pantry to grab a snack tonight and a bizarre thought came to mind as I grabbed a granola bar.

There are items in my pantry that have been there longer than my son has been gone. The big container of laundry soap is still the same that he last used. I’d bought a new one expecting us to need it soon but then we suddenly had one less adult doing laundry multiple times per week. So that same container of laundry soap is still there…almost gone but not quite.

I washed my car today. I’ve washed it since he’s been gone but today was the first day I found the motivation to clean out the inside and vacuum. It was a mess. But some of that mess on the floormats was mess that had been tracked into my car before he was taken…

I drove his truck for a short drive today. I’ve driven it a couple of times since he’s been gone. I’m the only one who’s driven it since he last did.

The small presents and stocking stuffers I had bought for him 4 days before his accident are still in my closet 3 months later. The presents are just new towels because he really needed them, a new candle for his room, and a Bluetooth shower speaker since he loved blasting music in the shower. He wanted money for Christmas to use to fix up the truck so I was going to do that too but I still wanted him to have a couple things to open on Christmas morning. There is still a bag with a few stocking stuffers, including the candy cane full of M&Ms and the Lifesavers StoryBook that I have gotten the boys every single year. My mom put those in mine as a kid so I did it for mine. Cheesy but it’s still just a fun and simple tradition that I started for them. It doesn’t feel right to use them but it doesn’t feel right to get rid of them. So it all still sits in my closet.

It might seem like I am just rambling here but it’s all just reminding me how life goes on for the rest of the world even though mine stopped cold. It reminds me how I have no choice but to continue living even though I have sometimes felt like it was pointless to do so. No parent wants to have to continue life without their child. I raised that boy for almost 20 years. The boy who made me a mommy.

He was a stubborn shit sometimes but he was the kind of stubborn shit who would do anything for those he cared about and loved. He dropped everything for his siblings. He dropped everything for his girlfriend. He had his friend’s backs. He loved hard. He had an amazing heart.

And today, he was able to help someone despite no longer being here. I won’t share the full details about the specifics because it isn’t my place but my girlfriend and I were talking about something going on between her and her daughter. I shared how Bryce did something similar to what she was telling me was going on with her daughter and how I learned to understand that it was simply how his mind processed information and then shared the wording that Bryce used to explain it to me. After my message, I was worried that I overstepped but then she said that it actually helped things click because what I said Bryce had said were some of the same things that her daughter had said. She later let her daughter read my message. Her daughter was so happy and said that that is exactly what she was trying to say but didn’t have the words for and wanted her mom to thank me and that she was so grateful for Bryce even though she never got to meet him.

I’m not going to lie and say that all of that didn’t bring some tears because what the fuck doesn’t now when it comes to Bryce-related topics? But they weren’t necessarily sad tears. It made me glad to see that he was still able to help someone, even if through me and even if not physically here any longer. Sharing something he shared with me helped a teenager feel more secure in their thought process. We all know that it’s hard enough being a kid. Having my kid help other kids makes me happy.

I miss the fuck out of him.