When you’re fighting through the waves of grief, you never know what might trigger a “normal” bad day into a horrible one. A song. A show. A saying. A sunset. A person. A time of day. Or simply nothing at all.
Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had my first actual counseling session. We haven’t even yet dug deep into anything but just being there and starting to scratch the surface of the need to deal with my depression, anxiety, and grief and loss was overwhelming. This is on top of taking Carter to his session. And doing some things around the house. By the end of the day, I was exhausted. The combination of being exhausted plus starting counseling left me feeling so incredibly antsy by the end of the day. The usual crawling out-of-my-skin kind of antsy.
I hate that feeling. I hate that I feel so less “normal” than I used to feel. I just want to feel like myself. I know I need to someday find a way to learn to live with these feelings. I am sure I will learn some of that with counseling. It’s hard enough trying to find a “new normal” in our routines when such a huge part of our daily life is missing. When we walk past his room multiple times per day with its closed door. When we were so used to him coming and going and seeing him every day but now…we don’t. Add emotional regulation into the mix? It’s hell. I’m learning that these feelings are all typical parts of grief but that doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me feel like any less of a burden to those around me. Or like any less of a freak or anomaly. Back to the logical mind vs the emotional mind for a minute…the logical mind knows that I am not a burden..that I am not a freak or an anomaly. But my emotional mind…the emotional mind feels like something is wrong with me. Like I will never recover.
Another weird thing causing me anxiety tonight is that I’m going to a conference for the next couple of days. Not overnight but a local conference for those in my work specialty so I’ll be spending the day there for two days in a row. And for this conference, I have to wear business casual…which means not being able to wear Bryce’s clothes like I’ve done every day for 3 months. It might seem silly to some but wearing his clothes has helped me feel closer to him when I’ve missed him so much. Not having a way to wear anything of his for the next 2 days until I get home each night has me feeling anxious. I know I need to someday wear my own clothes again. I’m not stupid. I know it.
But I don’t feel ready for it. And I almost feel like I’m being forced to do it before I’m ready. I know it may not seem like it makes sense to some who might be reading this. But for those of you who’ve dealt with grief, or who are in the middle of it now, I’m sure you understand. Whether you have your loved one’s shirt made into a pillow or a stuffed animal or a quilt or you simply do as I do and wear their clothes, there is something about it that just makes you feel closer to them. Even once those clothing items have lost the scent of that person.
I do it with my Bryce. I still push my face into his blanket and pillow to try to catch a super small whiff of his scent. A scent that is now barely discernable. A scent that will someday fade completely. I try not to think about that day.
I’m sure you feel the same.
Grief is a B!tch 