3 months

In 2 more days it will be 3 months.

3 months since I’ve seen your face. Not counting the day that I’d rather forget.

3 months since I’ve seen your smile. 3 months since I’ve heard your laugh. 3 months since I’ve hugged you. 3 months since I’ve kissed that bearded cheek. 3 months since I’ve told you to be safe.

3 months since the worst day of my life. 3 months since a living nightmare started. 3 months since I had to give your baby brother life-altering news.

3 months since I had to tell your dad and Tina the news because they couldn’t hear the officer over the speakerphone. 3 months since I had to tell Rory the news. Your Aurora.

3 months that we’ve all been waiting for justice. 3 months that we’ve been waiting for that man to face consequences. For the pain he caused you. For the pain he caused us. For what he stole from you.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday that I last saw you as I was pulling out of my driveway to leave for work that morning at the same time you were coming home. Since we last texted. Since we last hugged or laughed together or since you last called me a weirdo as you laughed. Other times it feels like so long ago and I wonder how it’s “only” been 3 months.

I still haven’t figured out how I’m supposed to live the rest of my life without you here with me. I don’t know how. I might not ever be able to do it. I guess I’ll have to just wait and see.

Your little brother is being so strong. You’d be proud of him. I hate that he has to deal with this but I think that he’s even stronger than I am.

I still wear your clothes every day. I still sleep with the fuzzy black blanket from your bed and the 2 soft round pillows. Usually with the black one pushed either in my face or under my chin. The one you always had under your head.

3 months since I’ve laughed at your crazy hair.

3 months since I’ve seen you passed out on the couch after work because you were too tired to move to the bed. Or maybe just passing out snuggled with the pupper.

I have learned more about grief in the past 3 months than I ever thought possible but yet I feel like I still have so much more to learn. I still need to learn how to care about being social again. I still need to learn how to be around people for long periods without feeling overwhelmingly exhausted. I still need to learn how to allow myself to feel any happiness when you’re no longer here.

I still need to learn how to survive without you. I need to learn how to keep my heart beating while it feels so broken without one of the lives that it helped to keep alive while it grew into its own person. I need to learn how to mourn the loss of the life you were supposed to have. I need to learn how to mourn the loss of the life I was still supposed to have with you.

How am I supposed to be happy without you here with us?

That is the question. That is what I haven’t figured out. I am not sure I ever will.