Life after loss is bittersweet

Today, a friend helped me get Bryce’s beloved truck running. Bryce bought it with cash a few weeks before he died. With the help of friends and google, he’d done quite a bit of work to get it running well. He wanted a truck so bad and owning a 2003 Ram was his goal and he was able to buy it only weeks before his accident, thanks to a small loan from mom.

Since his accident almost 3 months ago, I have started the truck only to move it from the street to my driveway to keep it safe. After that, it wouldn’t start again so it’s been sitting for over 2 months while I’ve waited for help to get it running again. Bryce had changed many small things and had also changed the water pump, the radiator, and the lower radiator hose. Today, a friend from work came over and helped me put in a new coolant reservoir, an upper radiator hose, a coolant overflow hose, and a new battery. We got it running. And we let it run for 40 minutes, including some time with the ac on and the hood closed to maximize the heat under the hood. We drove it around the neighborhood for a bit. There was no check engine light. No overheating. It didn’t trigger any codes on his tool.

I should be in the clear to finally pass emissions and get it registered.

Bryce was so fucking close.

He literally changed the radiator only days before his accident. Today’s work didn’t take very long. He was almost finished with this initial work. Almost able to pass emissions. Almost able to get the title in his name and get it registered. Almost able to sell his car and use the truck as a daily driver like he wanted.

THISFUCKINGCLOSE.

Today was bittersweet for me. I am so grateful to Ryder. Grateful that he, as he jokingly said, “broke his rule” of not working on Dodges since he’s a Ford guy and helped me out. So grateful that he wanted to help me finish this first piece of Bryce’s dream. I had to hold back tears until he left, though I did warn him that I might be unable to help letting them fall once we got it running.

But while I am so grateful for his help today and while it makes me so happy to see it running, it also breaks my heart a little. Because Bryce didn’t get to do this. He wasn’t able to be the one to get it running well with no overheating. He wasn’t able to be the one who got a “Pass” at emissions. He wasn’t able to be the one who got to see a title in his name.

So many dreams that he didn’t get to see through because of that one man not paying attention one night. And this was a small dream. A dream to have this truck running. To get a lift kit. Fix it up. Get a sound system so loud that I’d likely have been irritated anytime he turned it on.

This is why life after loss is bittersweet. I am now continuing with his dream to fix up his truck. 2003. The same year he was born. Now I will slowly fix it up. Under the hood. Make sure the electrical is good. Headlights. Tail lights. Likely new interior carpeting. Fix the sunroof. Stereo. New tires. New paint job with accents to honor Bryce. By the time I finish slowly getting all of this done, Bryce’s 12-year-old brother will be old enough to drive the truck that his big brother dreamt of fixing up for himself.

Another bittersweet situation.

So many situations in life that shouldn’t be happening. That wouldn’t be happening. Wouldn’t be real life if that man hadn’t have been driving on that suspended license and had actually looked before making that fucking left turn. Wouldn’t be real life if the state hadn’t have given him so many chances with his past infractions. Chance after chance until he finally killed someone. Killed a fucking kid. Do we think that the state will finally hold him accountable for his behavior now that he killed someone? I sure as fuck hope so. It won’t bring my kid back but maybe it will stop him from killing someone else’s baby.

It is so hard to have a good day now. Bittersweet.

You have a good day. And then you feel guilty for having a good day when they’re not here. You have a good day and feel guilty because they don’t get to have good days. You have a good time doing something and then your mind is reminded why you’re ultimately not happy even if you had fun for a short time. Having fun for an hour or two or four seems to not want to override the grief that overwhelms every cell of your mind and body. You do something fun that you know the person you’re missing would love and after a short time, you’re reminded that you’re doing it because they can’t.

And that was today with the truck. I was happy that it was running. I was happy to do that for him. But then remembering that I was doing it because he couldn’t…because he isn’t here to do it…

Bittersweet.