Falling back again

How has it been almost 3 months without him?

Next week will be 3 months.

THREE.FUCKING.MONTHS.

3 months without his smile. His hugs.

His love. His laughter. His smart-ass sense of humor.

I thought that the numbness wore off a long time ago. I thought I’d started to cope. To process. Then I started to sink again. Some days, I am back to numb. A numbness that keeps me from feeling. From wanting to see anyone. From being around people. From going about my days. I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and pretend life isn’t happening around me.

Then there are other days. Days when I’m in pain. A pain that feels like my heart can no longer beat because it’s either too broken or just far too compressed. Days when my lungs can’t expand. As if my body is trying to shut down.

I’d imagine that this is just part of how things go with grief. As I’ve said, I know that it isn’t linear so I know that it might not necessarily move in the “typical” patterns and it might even go back and forth.

But it feels like I’m emotionally back to the beginning. Where I alternate between numbness and pain. That’s where I was in the beginning and that’s where I feel I am again. Back to where I have that “emotional quota”. Where I can’t handle “peopleing”. And when I’m topped out on those things, I need to shut myself off from real-life people for the rest of the day. Back to where I need to ignore the world. Back to where I can respond to texts from some people but others are almost on a first-come, first-served basis because if you’re not first, you’re not catching me before I’ve totally shut down. Back to where I’m so done with peopleing that I’m almost twitching by the end of my work day because I’m so overstimulated. Twitching like a fucking tweaker. By the time it’s time to clock out, I’m ready to bolt out the fucking door and floor it out of the parking lot. And I hate it. I’m far from being an extrovert but I have always enjoyed socializing with coworkers and with my patients but it’s been so hard to do that lately.

It’s been hard to even feel like talking to those I love like friends and family.

I still love texting with my girlfriend but there are some days that I’m so emotionally fried and peopled out that I don’t want to have to physically speak and then I feel bad for not having the energy to talk on the phone with her. But I know she wants to hear my voice. And I love hearing hers too. But actually speaking…it’s so hard when I’m peopled out. But I don’t want her to feel unwanted. Or like I don’t care. Because I truly do. I’m just…tired.

So tired.

I know it’s all normal.

I know it’s to be expected.

But I don’t like this new normal.

I don’t want this new normal.

I reject this fucking bullshit.

Just give me my kid back and none of this “new normal” shit even needs to be a thing.

I know it’s okay to slip back sometimes. I know it’s okay to not be okay. I know it’s normal to fall backward.

But I don’t like it. I don’t like the discomfort. I don’t like the antsy, anxious feeling that comes with having to pretend I’m okay for a 12-hour shift and wearing a fake smile. I don’t like the near panic I feel by the time I walk out of those doors to head to my car because I am so incredibly overstimulated. I don’t like feeling like I am going to crawl out of my skin. I don’t like feeling like I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t like feeling like I am going to push people away anytime I fall backward again. I don’t like my mind being in such chaos.

And I don’t like feeling myself spiral.

I don’t fucking like it.