I’ve been seeing someone for the past quite a few weeks now. We actually met after Bryce was taken from me. There were many things that scared me about the idea of dating after loss. Today she brought up some things that I won’t mention here in this space because it was our conversation but it made me think about things I had already thought about when it came to dating and new friendships. I had already thought about how this would change me…how it HAD changed me so far.
I was afraid that I would be too damaged. That I would be too far changed. I was afraid that no one would want to deal with someone in the grief process, even though that process is a long fucking process that might even take me years. I was afraid that someone would consider it “too much baggage”. That they would think that all of the photos of Bryce, all of the purple, or the shelving in my living room with photos, flowers, and his ashes was too much. I was afraid that someone would find it to be too much to deal with both me AND Carter. I was afraid someone would find it to be too much to deal with me having such a fun and convoluted extended family that includes a bunch of unofficially adopted kids thanks to my son’s girlfriend and friends, my ex and his family, my ex’s first wife and HER family, and my former step kids who are now just basically my kids. They’re my family, for better or worse. It is nowhere near conventional. But it is amazing. It is a huge group of people who all loved Bryce and we all love each other in various ways and they will always be my family.
What I have realized is that I am NOT the same person as before losing him. I will never be exactly the same person. And that is okay. It has only been just over 2 months since I lost Bryce and I already know that I am the same as I was before but yet still very different. There will always be a gaping hole in my heart. I will always be the same goofy person. The same person that my son used to laugh at and say “You are so fucking weird” with a huge grin on his face, showing those amazing dimples. That will never change. The core pieces of my personality and who I am will always be the same. But I am forever changed. Anyone who meets me now will only know this version of me. The version who is somehow still alive despite the massive wound in her heart.
Grief changes you. Loss changes you. Losing your child changes you. Nothing I can do will do anything to stop that change or put me back to the “original” version of me. And I don’t need to…we are human. We evolve. I have been through other things in my life that caused me to evolve and change. It is just part of life. I don’t like this particular evolution but there isn’t anything I can do about it, nor can I stop it. As time passes, I will eventually find out where this evolution will settle. I will see how much of the original me remains.
Any new friend I make moving forward and any person I date will only know this version of me. And they will have to be okay with this version and be okay with knowing that I will sometimes have times that my mind turns into a complete asshole when grief comes ripping back on the scene.
Again…because grief is a bitch.
Grief is a B!tch 