Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my beautiful boy.

You should be waking up this morning happy. Celebrating the fact that you are 20. No longer a teenager.

20 years ago, I was being rushed to an emergency C Section because your stubborn ass couldn’t just do things the easy way. Big surprise.

I wish you were here. Enjoying your day. Hanging out with your friends. Spending time with Rory. Asking me for money for your birthday instead of presents because you’re still trying to get that damn truck fixed up and need to buy parts or tools.

You didn’t even get a chance to live your life before it was taken from you. Now I am here. Crying. Resting my hand over the fucking scar left on my abdomen when you were born as I feel the scar left in my heart from your absence. Wishing you were here with me to celebrate your birthday. The first birthday in all of these years that I haven’t been able to give you a hug. Been able to tell you how much I love you.

I still sometimes ask just what the fuck. Seriously.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Why you?

Why that guy at that moment?

Why that second?

Why *MY* baby boy?

If I could have a wish for your birthday, I’d wish for time travel. I’d go back and tell you not to go out that night. Or at least not to come home yet. To wait at LEAST a few minutes to leave. I think I have said that before but it’s only because it crosses my mind a lot. I think about how I wish I’d have had some weird ass premonition that night to tell you to wait to head home.

I wish you were here. I know I said that already. You did always make fun of me and say that I repeat myself. But I do wish you were here. I wish you were asking for Texas Roadhouse for dinner. Bloomin’ onion. Big ass steak. Sooooooo many rolls. Where the fuck did you fit all of the food you’d eat? *Insert hollow leg joke here*

I am still not okay.

I am sad. I am hurt. I am in pain. So much fucking pain.

And I am angry. So fucking angry.

I am furious.

You should be here. We should not be living without you. You should be here with us. With your friends. With Rory. You should be here still in foreman training. You should be here with all of your siblings. With your dad and Tina. With me. You should be here planning your future. You should be here planning a future where you are able to get married. And have babies.

And I am fucking furious that all of that was taken from you. From all of us.

Today, you’d have been 20. You were so excited to not be a teenager any longer.

I am sorry that you didn’t get to have the life you dreamt for yourself. I am sorry it was cut short. I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you when you truly needed it. I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.

I am so sorry, baby.

Happy Birthday.

My Bryce.