Just WTAF

I wonder how long until I will be able to stop saying “I have had a day”. It used to be that I said it when work was shit. Or someone was an ass and pissed me off.

If only that were the case now. Now it means that I had a bad grief day. Because grief is a bitch.

I never know what it is that will trigger those days. Sometimes it is literally nothing. Nothing at all. A random thought. Seeing his name on the Hulu profile because I haven’t had the heart to delete it. Seeing his text bubble with a picture still sitting in my pinned texts on my phone because I refuse to delete our texts. Sometimes it’s a Facebook memory popping up in my feed reminding me of something from years ago. Or even simply passing by my fridge and seeing the photos on the side.

Part of me wants the day that the pain isn’t so strong. Part of me doesn’t want the memories of him to fade and it feels like that is the only way that the pain will subside.

I am good at pain.

Physical pain. Emotional pain.

I have dealt with all of it.

If anyone is actually reading this, I highly doubt you want me to elaborate on those things.

But *NONE* of those compare to this. None. This pain is like my heart has been compressed. Not even just broken. It’s being squeezed. I can’t breathe. There is an elephant on my chest. And it is all just constant.

My baby. My baby boy that I grew, delivered, raised, loved. He is gone.

How do people heal from this type of thing?

The part that makes it even worse is watching my other son struggle with the loss of his big brother. He is 12. He is my quiet introvert, versus Bryce, who was definitely my loud extrovert. That boy NEEDED his social interaction. But Carter…he would be content to stay in his room all day, every day. Give him his video games and his phone and he’s a happy kid.

The problem with a grieving introvert is that they keep it inside. Trust me. I am having to pull things out of him. He cries with me sometimes. He tells me how much he misses Bryce. How much he loves him. How sad he is. But there are other times that he doesn’t tell me. Sometimes he keeps things to himself. I didn’t know he was having a hard time sleeping until I found out that he was falling asleep in class.

“I just can’t get my brain to stop.”

I feel that. Me too, kiddo.

When we scattered some of Bryce’s ashes at the lake during his memorial ride, Carter scattered some of his portion but chose to save some. I had been holding on to them for him with the intention of finding him some sort of urn. I found one that works really well for him and put the remaining portion of his big brother’s ashes in there for him. When I showed him, I asked if he remembered what an urn was and said that now he had his own special purple heart for the rest of the ashes. I said that now he can always have it, even when he grows up and moves out and gets his own house. He held it tightly and hugged it to his chest and asked, “So now I will always have Bryce with me?” while sobbing.

And of course I cried. Again.

It feels like I am always crying. Or nearly crying. Or at least walking around in a daze because my mind is utter chaos.

Dude. I am used to chaos. I seem to thrive in chaos. I have lived in that shit for decades. Single mom. Twice divorced. Did my LPN nursing program when my Bryce was an infant, still waking up at night to eat. My associates in nursing when Bryce was a toddler. Had my first divorce when he was in elementary. Later had a second baby. Then a second divorce when that baby was a toddler. Then got my bachelors degree as a single mom while working full time. And now I am in grad school as a full time nurse and single mom. That is the fucking definition of chaos.

But the chaos in my mind NOW? Yeah. It is nowhere near the same kind of chaos. My brain feels like complete mush with a side of chaos marinated in caffeine so that I can at least attempt to stay alert through the day.

To add to my chaos, my fucking eye has been twitching for part of the day, every day. I asked Dr. Google how to stop it and his answer?

1. Get more rest
2. Decrease stress
3. Limit caffeine

Well, I guess this fucking eye is just going to twitch indefinitely.